Today, many Christian authors write balancing  grace (love) and truth (boundaries) for the sake of a healthier life and vital discipleship. Grace and truth are balancing in martial arts also. Thus, martial arts serve as both an illustrative tool for balancing these two qualities which appear so opposite..

The Need for Balance.

Why use martial arts to illustrate balancing Grace and Truth? It is a useful tool to illustrate important points for soldiers of Christ’s kingdom.

Doesn’t this imagery suggest conflict and struggle? It does.

Many people think that the Christian faith would end their troubles and help them make life turn out like they want it to. Some seem genuinely shocked when the Enemy takes a shot at them. By not understanding the ongoing spiritual war, many feel betrayed by God and abandon their walk with Jesus.

Doesn’t the Bible call us to live peaceably with all people as much as it is possible (Romans 12:18)? Yes. However, the Bible also recognizes that it is not always possible to live in peace with all people. There is a world war, a spiritual world war that began with the crucifixion, death, resurrection, and ascension of Jesus. Since the enemy of our souls could not defeat Jesus, he seeks to devour Christ’s disciples. Thus, the NT offers us guidance in dealing with those who attack our genuine spiritual peace in Jesus. Anyhow, did Jesus live in peace with everyone?

Why does the enemy assault us with well aimed and consistent wounds? He wants to take us out. If he can’t destroy us he desires to get us out of the action by making us a shell of a person who is no longer full of passionate freedom, deep gratification, and radiant love. The descriptions of how the enemy takes Christians out of active duty in the Lord’s army are too numerous to write. However, altogether the casualties points to one fact. This is one brutal war!

We may find this hard to believe, but the enemy actually fears us as disciples of Jesus Christ. He knows that if we fully commit ourselves to Christ as the apostle Paul did, we would cause hemorrhaging in the realms of darkness (Acts 26:17-18; Colos. 1:13-14). The primary goal of this article is to help us avoid being taken out by the enemy although he will wound us. The good news is that the more we are identified with the sufferings of Christ as his wounded soldiers, the more we will know Christ in the power of his resurrection. (Romans 8:31-39; II Corinthians 1:8-10, 4:7-18; Philippians 3:10).

The combination of grace and truth is seen in a martial artist's perception of power. Understanding real power goes far beyond brute strength and size. It is graceful power for the use of one’s own or others self-defense.

Why do we need the Bible to teach us about combining love and boundaries for healthy living? Isn’t that what we have self-help books for. We need the Bible to teach us how dangerous it is for us to forget that everyone is born into a world at war. Life is not Father Knows Best or Home Improvement, it’s Saving Private Ryan.

A movie scene from either Saving Private Ryan or The Longest Day showed some allied soldiers seeing perhaps the greatest dereliction of duty. Some allied paratroopers had found liquor in a farmhouse. These drunken soldiers knew they were at war, yet they did not act like it. “They lived in dangerous denial, a denial that not only endangered them but countless others who depended on them to do their part. It is a perfect picture of the church in the West when it comes to spiritual warfare” (p159-159 Wild at Heart by John Elderedge).

What we too often fail to see in de-churched Christians, divided churches, destroyed ministers, and dissolved marriages is how the Enemy throws gasoline all over the human issues involved and creates a bonfire from twigs. Are we living in dangerous denial of the Enemy, a denial that places both others and ourselves in danger?

Too many Christians in the West have already been taken out by the Enemy’s first line of attack mentioned by C. S. Lewis in The Screwtape Letters: “I’m not here—this is all just you.” If you think the Enemy only prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour in third world countries, then read I Peter 5:8-9. Were all the epistles written that mention conflict with the Enemy written to third world countries? No, they were written to the largest empire of the west at that time—the Roman Empire.

John Wesley, the founder of Methodism, preached and taught greatly about these matters. In fact, Wesley went into great detail about spiritual warfare in his sermon on Ephesians 6:12 and I quote,

We know that Satan and all his angels are continually warring against us, and watching over every child of man. …But, above all, he strives to damp our love of God, as he knows this is the spring of all our religion, and that, as this rises or falls, the work of God flourishes or decays in the soul. 5. Next to the love of God, there is nothing which Satan so cordially abhors as the love of our neighbor. He uses, there fore, every possible means to prevent or destroy this; to excite either private or public suspicions, animosities, resentment, quarrels; to destroy the peace of families or of nations; and to banish unity and concord from the earth. And this, indeed, is the triumph of his art; to embitter the poor, miserable children of men against each other, and at length urge them to do his own work, to plunge one another into the pit of destruction.6. This enemy of all righteousness is equally diligent to hinder every good word and work. If he cannot prevail upon us to do evil, he will, if possible, prevent our doing good. He endeavors to inspire those passions and tempers which are directly opposite to the fruit of the Spirit.

The Spiritual Context.
  
        In the beginning of Jesus’ earthly ministry and life.

After being filled with the Holy Spirit at his baptism, Jesus entered the wilderness. There he was tempted by the devil. Each time the devil sought to push Jesus into proving his identity or taking a short cut to his goal. The third temptation sought to push Jesus to the extreme of putting God to the test. Jesus refused to prove his identity, to take any short cuts or to misuse God’s Word. Thus, he rebuked the devil with God’s Word. Afterwards, Jesus returned in the power of the Holy Spirit.

Do the Gospels of Matthew and Luke give us the Christmas story within its total spiritual framework? Have you ever seen Revelation 12:1-9 on a Christmas Card?  Have you ever seen those verses portrayed in a Christmas scene? I doubt it. Are their lines in Christmas hymns that carry this aspect of Christmas? Yes.

Christmas is the Great Invasion, as Philip Yancey calls it, “a daring raid by the ruler of the forces of good into the universe’s seat of evil!” Wow! Jesus’ birth was not just silent night with the sound of a few angels singing to some shepherds. Can we truly explain King Herod’s slaughter of the boys in Bethlehem just on the basis of his jealousy? No, Satan worked through Herod’s worldly position and the lust of his flesh for power to attempt to kill Christ.

    In Christian Discipleship

Since the devil hated Christ’s birth so much, how has he treated those who follow Jesus since then? Yes, Luke, there is a dragon who is to blame for most of the casualties you see around you and most of the direct assaults trying to take you out (Rev. 12:17). Thus, our warfare is not against flesh and blood, but against the devil’s evil tricks (Eph. 6:10-20).

As our warfare is not of the flesh, neither are our weapons (II Cor. 10:3-5). Our most powerful weapon is the sword of the Spirit—the Word of God. Just having the sword of the Lord and being filled with the Holy Spirit is not enough to slay the dragon. First, we must allow the Holy Spirit to help us rightly handle the word of God in the face of spiritual attacks. Then, we will go forth wielding the Sword of the Spirit in the power of the Holy Spirit.

The only way to combine grace and truth in spiritual self-defense is through the power and authority of Jesus Christ. Matthew 11:12 does not say ‘The kingdom of heaven is open to passive, spiritual wimps who enter it by lying around, being a boring ‘nice’ duty bound person who never stands up for the truth or by being an exhausted super servant for God while waiting for Jesus to beam them up’

Do we United Methodists really believe what we sing in the hymn Majesty? Why do we need what one the line says Majesty, kingdom authority, flow from his throne unto his own? We need Jesus’ majestic grace, kingdom life, and ultimate authority to serve the True King in conflict with the enemy’s evil empire. When we really take spiritual warfare seriously as Christian Soldiers, half-hearted attempts, academic approaches or fulfilling a legalistic “ought” will vanish from our practice of spiritual disciplines.

Are we ready stand firm as a Christian Soldier? Will we resist the enemy and see him flee (James 4:7)? Are we willing with God as your helper to become the best Christian soldier that we can be in the Lord’s army? Is the congregation, district, conference etc., that we either serve or are a member of willing with God as their helper to become the best unit of the Lord’s army that together you can be?

Maturity in Balance.

As Jesus’ disciples, we go through a spiritual developmental process of being newborn babes in Christ, children, young persons, and seasoned older persons. For those very early in their spiritual growth, they are not a spiritual Jedi for Jesus yet.  While their gifts and graces may be impressive, very impressive, but without additional maturity they will too easily fall into various snares if placed in very challenging leadership and/or leadership roles. Remember that even the multi talented Luke Skywalker almost went over to the dark side himself in the movie Star Wars while he was fighting the evil empire.

Also, our spiritual freedom in Christ is neither impractical nor esoteric. It also involves practical boundaries for Christian living. The whole Bible establishes spiritual boundaries for the soul, behavioral boundaries for the body, doctrinal boundaries for the mind, and relational boundaries for the heart. The graceful power of such boundaries is for defending as well as liberating oneself, others, and the church as a whole from spiritual attacks in their multi-varied forms.

If the Enemy’s first tactic, I don’t really exist, does not work, the second tactic is not a subtle seduction. It is an open assault via fearful thoughts crashing into our minds, our life situations begins to fall apart in surprising ways, and our faith feels very thin. If we have resisted deception and intimidation, the Enemy simply tries to get us to cut a deal.

A Path to Maturity in Balancing Grace and Truth

To grasp the meaning of the power to exercise grace and truth, we begin with the martial artist's uniform. Not only is it to be clean and neat, but tying one's belt correctly is most important. Since, the belt represents the person's will that holds the whole person together. A poorly tied belt reflects an unfocused will. The fruit of an unfocused will is a martial artist who is unstable in all their ways.

Martial artists emphasize the unity of the person—physically, mentally, and spiritually. Over the years one begins to experience and mature in the strength needed to combine grace and truth. Such a focused person is enabled to demonstrate both greater strength and clearer perception for dealing with situations. Interestingly and to some almost contradictory, such power arises from a relaxed state instead of a tense state within the martial artist. Equally puzzling to some is the apostle Paul’s comments about not being anxious but through prayer knowing God’s surpassing peace and yet pressing on to the high calling of God (Philippians 4:6-7, 13-14).

At the heart of being a disciplined Christian Soldier is the will. As James points out, if we have a double mind, we will be unstable in all our ways. Hebrews calls us to turn our eyes upon Jesus. In, Phil., Paul calls us to leave the past behind and press on to the high calling of God in Christ. Jesus tells us to seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness instead of being anxious. Jesus also tells us to live one day at a time.

How can we be of an undivided soul and thus truly focused if we are inwardly full of chatter? This happens whenever we live primarily in the psychological time of the past or the future in light of the past. Yes, we are encouraged to learn from the past, but then move on into the present. Even what the Bible says about our future in Christ and his return is always related to some aspect of Christian discipleship for us to live in today. We are to trustingly go forward and plan for the future, but live in the now of our Christian discipleship.

Martial artists who remain tense never really understand the balanced mixture of contentment and power. Very often they become bullies who know the techniques very well but are void of the real power thereof. They also tend to use their knowledge of martial arts out of a hot headed rage. A loose temper is greatly frowned upon and demonstrates a person’s lack of self-control. Humility is much preferred over arrogance. I once read a compliment that one church father gave to another saying: “His forbearance is more powerful than most people’s speech.”

There are many passages in the NT which point to the horrible arrogance of false teachers, legalists, Pharisees, the so called ‘super apostles,’ and those who bring division within churches. The apostle John’s third epistle condemns Diotrephes for rejecting apostolic leadership, dominating the congregation, and refusing to show hospitality. The OT is full of examples of arrogant people also as well as calls to live humbly. . I Peter 3:15 exhorts us to share why we have a living hope in Jesus Christ with humble gentleness and respect.

As we walk in the authority and power of Christ, remember not swagger forth in pride. Neither react hastily for human wrath does not accomplish the righteousness of God (James 1:19-20). In the OT, Moses lost his place to not only enter but also to lead the Israelites into the promised land.

Maturity in grace and truth as a martial artist is developed through learning flowing, powerful but controlled moves. Controlled yet graceful TKD moves are development in two ways. First, through really knowing the length of your arms and legs. If you are laughing, do you know yourself this well? Second, through practice with someone. Your trust and respect for each other grows over time. Then one can punch or kick with full speed and power. Then one stops just short of hitting them. Imagine punching or kicking quickly and powerfully, yet stopping close enough that you can feel the warmth of their skin without touching them?

As one matures in such graceful yet powerful self-control, one's character grows. Practicing with other martial artists helps develop courtesy, integrity, perseverance, self-control and indomitable spirit develop. Over time, these qualities become more than words repeated in each class. Thus, remembering and defining these no longer serve as intellectual knowledge to put down on the written part of testing for another belt. They become part of one’s life. These five tenents of TKD lay the foundation for the ten articles of student commitment: 1. Be loyal to your country, 2. Honor your parents, 3. Be loving between husband and wife, 4. Be cooperative between brothers and sisters, 5. Be faithful to your friends, 6. Be respectful of your elders, 7. Establish trust between teachers and students, 8. Use good judgement before killing living things, 9. Never retreat in battle, and 10 always finish what you start.

Scripture calls Christian soldiers to continue maturing in sound character by God’s grace for long lasting effectiveness (II Peter 1:2-8). The epistle of James calls us to be doers of the Word and not hearers only. If not we deceive ourselves into thinking we are something that we are not. Also, we can use the Apostle Paul’s admonitions for Timothy about caring for his own well-being to take care of ours (1 Tim. 4:12-16; 6:11-16, 20; and 2 Tim. 2:3-7, 22-26; 3:14-15; 4:2, 5).

Hebrews describes the spiritually mature as those whose practice of the Word gives them the ability to discern both good and evil (Heb. 5:13,14). Galatians exhorts us to live in the Spirit, bear the fruit of the Spirit and crucify the deeds of the flesh (Gal. 5:19-26).

In the Gospels, Jesus spoke of those who persevere to the end will be saved. Near the end of his life, the apostle Paul exclaimed that he had fought the good fight of faith; and had run the race. In the book of Acts, Paul also said before a ruler that he had not been disobedient to the heavenly vision of his calling. Consider the use of the indomitable perseverance of Jesus in Hebrews chapter 12. The write uses it to challenge us to keep our focus on Jesus so that we can run with perseverance the race that is set before us. Otherwise, we will become wary and discouraged souls (Heb. 12:1-4).

Balancing Grace and Truth

Grace is also displayed by a self-defense move first unlike the aggressiveness of Karate. I once heard it said that "Karate hits first and asks questions later." However, someone once said, "TKD asks questions first and then hits if it needs too."

Gracefulness is encouraged in the application of TKD according to the situation. If someone is just calling you names, you just walk away. If your best friend is just playing around and grabs you from behind. Then you can gracefully get out without hurting them and then seriously say that's enough. If someone threatens to punch you, you encourage them not to. However, if they do attempt to hit you, you can block it and get them under control. You handle an attacker differently. If the person just takes you by surprise and takes a swing at you, then it's time for a pain inflicting block and a strong punch to stop them hopefully. If the person threatens your life, then its time to inflict very painful blocks, punches and/or kicks along. You also add the appropriate strong control move that includes the option of dislocating the shoulder or breaking their elbow.

In other words, a mature martial artist first seeks to avoid fighting. If a fight cannot be avoided, then one only uses as much TKD as is really needed for the situation. If someone's life (one's own or another's) is threatened by an attacker, then the martial artist does not hold back. This does not mean the martial artist will, block, kick and/or punch in an out of control manner. Such control both makes one’s moves stronger and lessons one’s vulnerability to attacks.

If you learn to master yourself, then the chaos or the attack of the other person does not dominate you. With such self mastery or balance you will the appropriate response to an attack and the attacker. Without it, and their attack will trigger you into an unhealthy reaction. I had such an experience one night in sparing class. On that night, I was sparing a man who was younger and much taller with much lower ranking belt. I was anxious over his height. I did become fearful of his roundhouse kick with a huge foot. However, my own lack of self-control to stay focused led me to react too soon and too far away from my body. This resulted in a broken hand. Had I been in more control of me, I would have seen more options or performed a better block. He did not defeat me. I defeated myself through underdeveloped self-control. Thus, I was blinded from using the knowledge of my advanced training. I learned an important lesson that night.

Anyone who uses more of a martial art than is really necessary is considered disrespectful, not humble, without self-control, lacking courtesy, devoid of integrity as well as a destructive bully. They do not yet know the biggest focus of self-defense, themselves!

Balancing Grace and Truth  in the New Testament

The NT contains several examples of situations calling for a balanced application of grace and truth. For example, the moral problem within the church at Corinth. A man was shacked up with his dad’s wife. Paul rebuked the Corinthian church for their lack of love seen in tolerating sexual immorality among church members (1 Cor. 5). We must remember that Christian love does not contradict the holiness of Jesus Christ. It is that holiness to which he calls his body in every arena of life as outlined in the epistles. Doing so calls for a powerful balance of grace and truth. Then we can speak the truth in love and restore the fallen in a spirit of gentleness (Eph.4:15; Gal. 6:1)

Such breaking of moral boundaries within the church body damages the well-being of more than just those directly involved (1 Cor. 5; 6:12-20; Eph. 4:17-25; 5:3-20). Ben Witherington states that

certain types of deviant behavior threaten the health, if not the existence of the body of Christ, not just the moral health or well-being of the individual Christian. Therefore, Paul’s attempts to direct and regulate the head, mouth, hands, feet, and genitals of the Christians in Corinth arise not simply from concern for personal morality. He also seeks to protect the body of Christ from acts and attitudes that can harm it.  (255)

Not only are attacks against moral boundaries deal with in the NT, but also those related to Christian teaching and leadership. As a preventative and as a statement of standards, I Timothy 3:1-11 and Titus 1:3-9 outlines selecting leaders on the basis of good character traits including self-control, and not being hot-headed. II Timothy 2:24-26 calls us to correcting the wayward with gentleness, patience and humility. These instructions also direct us to not place a very young Christian in a leadership position less they fall prey. This could also be wisely applied to people who are new transfers into a congregation. One never knows who will be a blessing and who has come as a Trojan horse to bring destruction.

Those through whom the attacks of the enemy come are like cancer cells with the human body. Like cancer, they live only for themselves (Acts 20:29-20). Those who cause divisions in Christ’s Church through immorality, false teaching, or domination need removing (1 Cor. 5; Rom. 16:17-18); III John. As Witherington puts it, “Discipline was one of the key tools for making clear the limits of acceptable behavior and so establishing the community’s moral boundaries and for unifying a community” (160-161). Today’s pluralistic society and church world urge us to ignore the biblical call for discipline and limits for acceptable biblical behaviors. Insofar as the Church ignores this call, it eludes healthy maturity.

Continuing the NT theme of maintaining the unity of the Spirit and maturing into the unity of the faith, Ephesians 4:17-6:9 exhorts the Church to be the body of Christ in daily living. Paul, in Ephesians 4:17-5:21, calls them to lay aside the old and live the new. In his book, Paul, the Spirit, and the People of God, Gordon Fee states,

Furthermore, all the sins listed in 4:25-31 are sins of discord. By giving in to sin, they grieve the Holy Spirit (v. 30), who has formed them into a body and whose continuing presence is intended to bring the body to full maturity. Hence they need to “keep being filled with the Spirit” (5:18), to ensure proper worship (vv.19-20) and proper relationships (5:21-6:9).  (69-70)

The history of the church at Corinth after the writing of Paul’s epistles gives us a surprising and yet very important lesson. No church exists as an island. Divisions within a church not only damage its credibility in reaching out to new people but also how other churches are viewed. It does not matter if they are near of far away. Forty-five years after Paul wrote I and II Corinthians, Clement of Rome wrote to that congregation about its problems with divisions. Not only did he quote Paul at length, but he also shared the impact of their divisions upon Christian outreach in Rome. Their divisions within the church at Corinth, Greece was damaging the evangelistic outreach in Rome, Italy. Wow! What an important lesson to learn from a day when radio, tv, telephones, cell phones, and the internet were not even thought of.

The whole NT and the Bible as a whole is full of boundaries that apply to marriage, family, children, work, young people, older people, young widows, older widows, being a good citizen, and relating with those who are not disciples of Jesus Christ. There are also boundaries concerning emotions. For example, Eph. 4:26-27 says be angry but do not let the sun go down on one’s anger.

Balancing Grace and Truth in the Church Today

In 20 years of pastoral ministry, I’ve seen more marriages and churches hindered by one thing. In the case of damaged or failed marriages either one or the other spouse has not really left home emotionally. In the case of churches and clergy someone is not living with a clear and genuine focus as seen in Jesus’ earthly ministry and in Paul the Apostle.

From what I’ve seen, too many are not free to really be themselves or speak with their own voice. As a result such folks put on a false self at various church gatherings. They either keep quite or lash out in a defensive, chaotic, and controlling manner. 
Why do they not feel free to be themselves and thus feel a need to put on a false self? Very often while they are in emotional contact with others they experience difficulty in thinking, feeling, and acting as individuals. Sad to say but they often deceive themselves about being in better contact with the whole congregation than they are.

People who are church members or leaders who live out of a “pseudo self” often end up in the trap of a “double bind.” Others who are bombarded with this kind of communication style end up finding very hard to say what they mean, understand the meaning of what other say, and discern their own emotions from manipulated feelings.

Others are able to keep working effectively even under great stress without focusing on others. Thus, they are not easily “infected” by the anxiety of others. Such emotional neutrality gives them the ability to be in emotional contact with difficult, emotionally charged parish problems but not feel compelled to control others, to “fix” the problem, or to pretend neutrality by emotionally insulating themselves. People who are genuinely their real selves will realize as leaders the danger of trying to control, rescue, or “fix” the problems of poorly differentiated congregations who may murderously strike out against the person who encouraged the church’s dependency upon them. Such congregations do this when their anxiety level gets high enough.  While other like persons will appreciated this greatly, the more dependent leaders and church members will put forth much effort to triangulate non dependent ones to being dependent.

Sometimes a pastor finds him or herself as the identified dysfunctional patient whenever a church concentrates on his or her pastoral performance. If pastors accept such displacement by addressing the content of the charges, they not only become the patient but also keep the church leadership and/or congregation from facing something in their own personal lives (Friedman 208). In the midst of such unbalanced times, a pastor’s best questions for the church are: “Why now?” and “What has gone out of balance?” (Friedman 203). In such unbalanced times, a pastor will never attain lasting harmony in a congregation by focusing on the various content issues directed at them or upon some other focus. Such leadership stays emotionally in touch with everyone involved without taking sides or assuming someone else’s responsibility.

By offering calm, connected pastoral leadership, the pastor helps reduce a church’s anxiety while maintaining a sense of direction. Such healthy and healing pastoral leadership encompasses far more than staying in the office and simply praying about things. Along with staying in touch with people, it means providing leadership in prayer with the whole church or with the anxious part of the church. It also means avoiding the pitfalls of cult-like dependency and congregational polarization. Such leadership helps reduces a church’s anxiety without enhancing it by absorption.

Pastors can defocus congregational henpecking by maintaining a non-anxious presence. Such a presence means that pastors develop the capacity “to contain their own anxiety regarding congregational matters, both those not related to them, as well as those where they become the identified focus” (Friedman 208). Otherwise, pastors multiply the emotional imbalance of a church by over-functioning. Pastors who finds themselves tempted to play church hero might consider addressing their personal and pastoral feelings of helplessness (Long 3).

Leaders lacking a clear sense of identity and the solid focus of their real self do not have boundaries. Since they lack such boundaries, they live out the expectations of others. Rather than being proactive, they become reactive. In addition, they tend to blame themselves and think that if they are good persons everything will improve. I once heard this called the battered church leader syndrome.

Input from others on balancing grace and truth in Christian leadership

All in all without the freedom to really live with a clear identity not based on competition with others and a solid focus based on God’s genuine calling upon you, the following advice from others will help you little. The same can be said for all of the books listed below dealing with more specific boundary issues.

        From Dr. Dale Galloway’s Courses on Christian Leadership

We have more dysfunctional people than ever before. Thus, be confident in who you are. Your self-esteem does not depend upon them. Don't allow yourself to overreact. Don't play their games. Set boundaries and limits. When you need to confront, do so immediately. Have realistic expectations of that person. Stop trying to change the difficult person in your lifetime. Don't take on responsibility for such sick people. Keep yourself from becoming the difficult person's slave. No is ok. If you allow such people to beat up on your emotional life, then let God lead you through your struggle with these difficult people so that you don't loose peace ("How to Handle").

Responding instead of reacting to negative leaders? 1. Try every way to win them over as a friend; 2. Understand your authority as a pastor and use it rightly; 3. Treat others as you would want to be treated. Be responsive but not reactionary. Be kind, but not stupid; 4. Do not go up against them in a public meeting, but deal with them one on one; 5. Isolate the negative and don't give them a platform in front of a group like putting them on a committee; 6. Consider what is best for the church; 7. Lead a church through preaching; 8. Never take anger out on a congregation; 9. Have a big say in the agenda for a meeting by asking for items in advance; 10. Pastor runs the staff meeting; and 11. Never surrender your leadership to negative people.

Tips on how to handle criticism in a positive way.

1. Understand the difference between constructive criticism and destructive criticism--censure.

2. Determine not to waste energy fighting destructive criticism.

3. Try to understand the source of the criticisms. Judge criticisms on who the person is.

4. Don't just see the critic, but see if there is a crowd. (negative people find each other in a crowd) [work on your various broken relationships]

5. Beware of perceptions becoming reality. You can do right, but not consider the perceptions of the people. Talk perceptions through with solid leaders.

6. Open yourself up to see if you can receive any benefit from the criticism.

7. Seek first to please God more than people.

8. When criticized, instead of being negative and defensive, go on the offensive by taking a positive action.

9. Pray for critics and with them.

10. Most criticisms are not aimed at us personally, but at our position and sometimes involves dumping their stuff on us.

11. You've got to get a sense of self-worth and value form somewhere else than in pleasing people. (Jonathan Edwards was fired for preaching "Sinners in the Hands of an Angry God).

12. Don't dump on the family all of the bad church stuff. (several spoke of an unhealthy extreme of this)

13. Cultivating the mind of Christ will empower you to handle criticism.

14. You have the power to choose your own attitude in the worst situation. This lifts you from being a victim to being a victor.

        From Dr. Steve Martyn’s course on the Spirituality of Leadership

 “Angry People”

Somebody leaves mad, hurt, upset, and distraught.  They spread to 7 others that something’s wrong with “you”.  (a good book on discernment, The Way by E. Stanely Jones)

You will hear them say, “They think you stink”  We need to cut through the “they”. Then, ask, how do you feel instead of asking who the they are.  When you ask you they are, you loose your posture of leadership.

Never respond

“If I can just sit down and talk it out.  Therefore, reason, light, information will bring clarity and agreement.  This is a very popular but deadly formula.

Angry people permeate our society today.

We are called to love angry people.  Nevertheless, I can’t allow their wounds to take out a whole institution.  I can’t let those hurt folks to set my heart.

Kids in Danger by Ross Campbell has a good chapter on anger in the church.

Church people who are core leaders must put evil to rest or we will legitimize other people’s junk.

There is a place for boundaries in dealing with angry people.

“You know you are right over the target when you start getting flack.

Laziness amidst business by allowing your circumstances to set your agenda.

Obstacles serve to bring character and holiness into my life.  Therefore seeing the hand of God in all things.

Don’t Let Satan Steal Your Vision

From William Gurnall

As part of Christ’s army, you march in the ranks of gallant spirits. Every one of your fellow soldiers is the child of a King. Some, like you , are in the midst of battle, besieged on every side by affliction and temptation. Other, after many assaults, repulses, and rallyings of their faith, are already standing upon the wall of heaven as conquerors. From there they look down and urge you, their comrades on earth, to march up the hill after them. This is their cry, “Fight to the death and the City is your own, as now it is ours.”

For further reading about love and boundaries, please consider one or more of the following books.

1.      Achieving Balance in Ministry. By A.J. Headley

2.      Adult Children of Abusive Parents: A Healing Program for Those Who Have Been Physically, Sexually, or Emotionally  Abused by Seven Farmer, M.A., M.F.C.C.

3.      Bold Love by Dr. Dan B. Allender & Dr. Tremper Longman, III
Have you ever asked yourself and of the following questions? How do you know the difference between loving an evil person, a fool, and a normal sinner? What does it mean to "honor" a dishonorable parent? Why does anger usually outlive forgiveness? How to you love an abusive person without opening yourself up to more damage? Then read this book!

4.      Boundaries in Marriage  by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend

5.      Boundaries: When to Say Yes, When to Say No to Take Control of Your Life  by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend

6.      Changes That Heal  by Dr. Henry Cloud 

7.      Clergy Killers by Lloyd G. Rediger.

8.      Connecting With Our Children: Guiding Principles for Parents in a Troubled World. by Roberta M. Gilbert, M.D.

9.      Creating a Healthier Church: Family Systems Theory, Leadership, and Congregational Life  by Ronald W. Richardson

While the title sounds like a heavy book dealing with healthy boundary issues in church life, it is full of real life stories that communicate Richardson's theme. (Those desiring even more help with this theme in the church must go to  Ministry Health . My colleague, co-author and friend Rev. Tom Fischer has many excellent articles on the subject of boundaries and church life.)

10.  “Dealing with ‘Trojan Horse’ Transfers.” Sharing The Practice: The International Journal for Parish Clergy Fall 1998  by John M. Crowe, and Thomas F. Fischer.

11.  Do I Have to Give Up Me To Be Loved By You? for couples who want their love to last  by Drs. Jordan & Margaret Paul.

12.  Emotional Blackmail: When the People in Your Life Use Fear, Obligation, and Guilt to Manipulate You  by Susan Forward,  Ph. D. with Donna Frazier.

13.  Emotional Unavailability: Recognizing It, Understanding It, and Avoiding Its Trap by Bryan C. Collins, M.A., L.P.

14.  Extraordinary Relationships: A New Way of Thinking About Human Interactions by Roberta M. Gilbert, M.D.

This psychiatrist presents a practical down to earth explanation relationships through the lenses of Family Systems instead of the pop-psychology of many self-help books.

15.  False Assumptions: Relief From 12 "Christian" Beliefs That Can Drive You Crazy.  by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John     Townsend

16.  Family Evaluation: The role of the family as an emotional unit that governs individual behavior and development    by Michael E. Kerr and Murray Bowen

Although it is thick and a bit academic, the applications are clear. It will challenge many assumptions about both being an individual and a person who is connected with others in a healthy way. It might even broaden your view of needy people. If you really want to dig deep into human interaction and being a healthy person as well as a healthy family, this is a great book to read.

17.  Feed My Shepherds: Spiritual Healing and Renewal for Those in Christian Leadership by Flora Slosson Wuellner

Wuellner uses the stories surrounding Jesus' death and resurrection from the Gospels to address spiritual desolation, spiritual release or abuse, incarnational spirituality verses religion that denies our humanity, walking with Christ to deep wounded memories, depth renewal for spiritual exhaustion, spiritual protection in toxic relationships and Christian discipleship as a spiritual response to God's free grace vs a religious discipline. While she does not speak directly of boundaries, she does address healthy internal boundaries of the soul.

18.  Fit to Be a Pastor : A Call to Physical, Mental, and Spiritual Fitness. by Lloyd G. Rediger

19.  Forgiving Our Parents, Forgiving Ourselves: Healing Adult Children of Dysfunctional Famlies by Dr. David Stoop, and
Dr. James Masteller

20.  Generation to Generation: Family Process in Church and Synagogue.  by Edwin H. Friedman 

Along with Richardson's and Wilson's books listed below, Friedman offers help mainly to clergy and their families concerning boundary issues in relationship to the church.  (Those desiring even more help with this theme in the church must go to  Ministry Health . My colleague, co-author and friend Rev. Tom Fischer has many excellent articles on the subject of boundaries and church life.)

21.  Holiness for Hurting People by David L. Thompson with Gina Thompson Eickhoff

22.  Hurt People Hurt People: Hope and Healing for Yourself & Your Relationships  by Sandra D. Wilson, PH.D.

Sandra's appendix on "Shame Based vs Grace Based Churches" is worth the price of the whole book. (Those desiring even more help with this theme in the church must go to  Ministry Health . My colleague, co-author and friend Rev. Tom Fischer has many excellent articles on the subject of boundaries and church life.)

23.  Imperfect Harmony, by Joshua Coleman

“This book is about how to live a happy life regardless of the state of your marriage. Despite promises of therapists, clergy, and self-help authors, not every relationship can be made better.”  This book has three stated aims: 1. To give people the tools to determine whether a marriage can be bettered; 2. To give people the tools to enjoy life if the marriage can’t be bettered: 3. To help people protect their children from whatever is unsatisfying or difficult in your life or marriage. Obviously the tools referred to in the second and third aim of this book has to do with boundaries.                          

24.  Intimate & Unashamed  by Scott Farhart, M.D.

This book addresses boundary issues concerning God's design for sexual fulfillment in marriage with creative and celebrative boldness as well as solid biblical truth.

25.  Kids in Danger: Training Your Child to Tame the Destructive Power of Anger by Ross Campbell, MD. with Carole Sanderson Streeter.  (Adults can benefit from this book also.)

26.  Necessary Losses: The Loves, Illusions, Dependencies, and Impossible Expectations That All of Us Have to Give Up In  Order To Grow  by Judith Virost.

27.  No More Mr. Nice Guy by Dr. Robert A. Glover

28.  Overcoming the Dark Side of Leadership: The Paradox of Personal Dysfunction  by Gary L. McIntosh, and Sammuel D. Rima.

29.  Preyed On Or Prayed For: Hedging Your Pastor In Prayer .by Terry Tyekl

30.  Romancing Your Husband  by Debra White Smith

Written as one married woman to another her advice is balanced by her personal confession of breaking a very crucial boundary in marriage. This boundary broken by some wives, yes even Christian wives. It is the boundary of ceasing to be your husband's wife-lover to attempting to be his mother-lover. She confesses to have participated in the very thing she uncovers about female chauvinism even within churches. 

31.  Safe People: How to Find Relationships That Are Good for You and Avoid Those That Aren't by Dr. Henry Cloud and  Dr. John Townsend

32. Secrets of Your Family Tree: Healing for adult Children of dysfunctional families. by Dave Carder, M.A., Dr. Earl Henslin, Dr. John Townsend,  Dr. Henry Cloud, and Alice Brawdan, M.A. ForewardSwindoll                   by Charles R.

33.  Setting Your Church Free by Neil Anderson and Charles Mylander

34.  Stress Power and Ministry by John C. Harris

35.  Stop Walking on Eggshells by Mason and Kreger

(Although this book is focused on re-claiming your life in relationship with a specific mental illness, the concepts are rather universal.)

36. Talk, Trust, and Feel: Keeping Codependency Out of Your Life by Melody Beattie

37.  The Dilemma of Love: Healing Co-dependent Relationships at Different Stages of Life.  by Susan Cooley Ricketson, Ph.D.

38. The Emotional Incest Syndrome: What to Do When A Parent's Love Rules Your Life   by Dr. Patrica Love with Jo Robinson

39. The Gentle Art of Verbal Self-Defense by Suzetter Haden Elgin

40. The Mom Factor: Dealing with the Mother You Had, Didn't Have, or Still Contend With by Dr. Henry Cloud and  Dr. John Townsend

41.  The New Reformation: Returning the Ministry to the People of God.  By Greg Oden

This book outlines the process by which clergy and churches can escape the traditional model of co-dependency and enter the biblical model of depending upon God and being interdependent with each other.

42. The Other Side of Love: Handling Anger in a Godly Way  by Gary Chapman

43.  The Subtle Power of Spiritual Abuse by David Johnson and Jeff VanVonderen

While the book does not speak directly of boundaries, they do address the need for healthy boundaries in church life.

44.  The Transforming Power of Grace. Thomas C. Oden

This book goes into great detail about the life transforming impact of grace and truth.

45.  Toxic Faith: Understanding and Overcoming Religious Addiction by Stephen Arterburn and Jack Felton
If you exhausted or bored with religion your faith might be toxic in some way instead of healthy in relationship with God and people. See also Wayne Oates' book listed below about sick religion.

46. Toxic In-Laws: Loving Strategies for Protecting Your Marriage  by Susan Forward,  Ph. D. with Donna Frazier.

47.  Understanding The Borderline Mother: Helping Her Children Transcend the Intense, Unpredictable, and Volatile  Relationship by Christine Ann Lawson.

This book covers how to love mother's with this personality disorder without rescuing her, feeding her fear, becoming her subject or becoming her victim.. It also offers practical help and insights for dads. You will find yourself surprised by the descriptions of well known people history and recent times, including "Mommy Dearest."

48.  We Are Driven: The Compulsive Behaviors America Applauds  by Dr. Robert Hemfelt, Dr. Frank Minirth,   and Dr. Paul Meier.

49. When God's People Let You Down: How to Rise Above the Hurts That Often Occur Within the Church. by Jeff VanVonderen
            While he does not speak directly of boundaries, he does address the need for healthy boundaries in church life.

50.  When Religion Gets Sick  by Wayne Oates

Oates covers some of the same ground as Toxic Faith. However, he goes beyond it in covering a pathology of religious leadership, religious factors in mental illness and answers a long list of questions related to "sick religion."  He defines this problem as one that hinders the basic functions of life. Here again  issues of grace and truth, love and boundaries, freedom and structure are addressed.

51.  Wild at Heart by John Eldredge

Have you ever wondered why so many men are bored with church and congregations reach so few men? Has anyone ever asked you if the New Testament description of Jesus is more like Mother Teresa or like William Wallace in the movie "Braveheart" and in Scottish history?  Do you ever find yourself either being too nice or  too rough at the wrong times and wonder why? Do you want to know the real answer to women wondering "Where are all the real men?"?  Do want a book that proclaims the permission to be what men are as people made in God’s image. Permission to live from the heart instead of from the list of "should" and "ought to" that is so exhausting and boring. This book offers a journey to recover a life of freedom, passion, and adventure within healthy boundaries. Working through the guidebook and seeing the suggested movies are very helpful.

However, beware of letting a discussion of this book with other men become religious by meeting at church. Go fishing, hunting, hiking, camping, canoeing, or go to a cabin for a retreat to reflect upon and discuss this book.

52.  Working the Angels: The Shape of Pastoral Integrity. By Eugene H Peterson

This article is based upon  my dissertation: “PREACHING FOR A WHOLE PERSON RESPONSE IN DEVELOPING A HEALTHY CHURCH.” Diss. Asbury Theological Seminary, 2001. The contents are protected by copyright.

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